Quote Authors List

Golden Quotations

Quirky Quotations

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Matthau

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world.

Leigh Standley

You can quote me, but I'll tell everyone that you're lying.

Jael Turner

A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.

CT Jones

Today's payslip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel.

Raymond Cvikota

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.

Robert Byrne

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.

Joan Rivers

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

William Sunday

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Samuel Goldwyn

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job.

Samuel Goldwyn

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Douglas Adams

Memorable Quotes

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

Mickey Rooney

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Marty Feldman

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

George Deacon

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

Tony Curtis

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

Howard Scott

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.

Freddie Starr

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Woody Allen

Quotes cards

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Rita Rudner

Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60.

Gore Vidal

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Woody Allen

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

Reba McEntire

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

Abraham Lincoln
An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

Famous Quotes

Social Links