The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.
The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
Common sense is not so common.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat.
Golf is a game in which you yell "Fore," shoot six, and write down five.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.
They told me that Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right.
To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts.