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Famous People Quotations

Steven Wright ( 1955 ~ )

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Memorable Quotes

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Insightful Quotes cards

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates. When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Famous Quotes

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