The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.
To succeed in this world, it is not enough to be stupid, you must be well-mannered.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Money and success don't change people; they merely amplify what is already there.
Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.
If a girl doesn't have a sense of humor, then what would you have to talk about?
Comedy holds the greatest risk for an actor, and laughter is the reward.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I do not want to go there.
Be amusing; never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.
I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes.
At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.
A clown is a poet in action.
The burden of the self is lightened when I laugh at myself.
It's important I surround myself with people who make me happy.
My mother buried three husbands... and two of them were only napping.
I want to help people, give hope to all. Humor is the foundation of our lives.
Something that seems funny when it happens to someone else, may not seem so funny when it happens to us.
Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life.
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
Humor is reason gone mad.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Humor cleanses the heart and keeps it good.
Groan and forget it.
Every joke is a tiny revolution.
Wear your wit as a shield, not as a dagger.
Laughter is a part of the human survival kit.
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
There is little success where there is little laughter.
If you have to be in a soap opera, try not to get the worst role.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
Let the wind blow through your hair while you still have some.
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.