If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence.
When you've got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
Money is something you have to make in case you don't die.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.
Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
What we see depends mainly on what we look for.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
ollow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.
If you're billed as a comedian, people will accept anything you say as light-hearted and not with intent behind it.
The future doesn't belong to the light-hearted. It belongs to the brave.