A day without laughter is a day wasted.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Some men rob you with a six-gun - others with a fountain pen.
Laughter is higher than all pain.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job.
We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas. I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.