Quote Authors List

Golden Quotations

Amusing Quotations

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Charlie Chaplin

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

Herbert Hoover

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Sidney Goff

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Bob Hope

Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.

Friedrich Nietzsch

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Emo Ph

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

Marcel Achard

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Eric Syke

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Frank Carson

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Colin Greene

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

Bertolt Brecht

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

W.C. Field

Memorable Quotes

History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.

Philip Guedalla

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

Some men rob you with a six-gun - others with a fountain pen.

Woodie Guthrie

Laughter is higher than all pain.

Elbert Hubbard

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

Konrad Adenauer

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job.

Samuel Goldwyn

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Napoleon Bonapart

Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

XX Quotes cards

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Scott Adams

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas. I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?

Steven Wright

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

Victor Borge

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

Monica Piper

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

Jack Benny
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

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