Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.
A kid's idea of a balanced diet is a hamburger in each hand.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
My ancestors didn't spend the last 2 million years clawing their way to the top of the food chain, for me to become a vegetarian.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.
Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother.
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Learn from the mistakes of others - you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.
If a man says something, but there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The only cure for vanity is laughter, and the only fault that is laughable is vanity.
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.