Quote Authors List

Golden Quotations

Funny Quotes

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Marty Feldman

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Albert Einstein

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants!

Someone Anonymous

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Paul Ehrlich

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

George Gobol

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Les Dawson

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

George Burns

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Russell Baker

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Integer posuere erat a ante ultricies nisi vel augue quam semper libero.

Someone famous

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Mike Barfield

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Stephen Leacock

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Johnny Carson

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.


Memorable Quotes

Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done.

Ernie Kovacs

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Pratchett

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.

Freddie Starr

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Steven Wright

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Samuel Goldwyn

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

Mark Twain

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Edgar Wallace

Quotes cards

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Wes Smith

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

WC Fields

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Steven Wright

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Desmond Morris

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Albert King

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.

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