Amusing Quotations
A day without laughter is a day wasted. - Charlie Chaplin
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt."
- Herbert Hoover
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
- Sidney Goff
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope
Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter. - Friedrich Nietzsch
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. - Emo Ph
History repeats itself; historians repeat each other. - Philip Guedalla
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
- Woodie Guthrie
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? - Frank Carson
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease. - Colin Greene
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news. - Bertolt Brecht
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. - Marcel Achard
Start every day with a smile and get it over with. - W.C. Field
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
- Buddy Hackett
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
- Eric Syke
Laughter is higher than all pain. - Elbert Hubbard
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfi
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.- Konrad Adenauer
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him. - Napoleon Bonapart
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.- Scott Adams
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas. I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
- Steven Wright
Laughter is the closest distance between two people. - Victor Borge
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it. - Monica Piper
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
- Jack Benny
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants. - Stephen King
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck. - Anonymous