Quirky Quotes
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
- Steven Wright
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists."
- CT Jones
oToday's payslip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel. - Raymond Cvikota
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. - Robert Byrne
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy. - Joan Rivers
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. - William Sunday
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
- Samuel Goldwyn
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job. - Samuel Goldwyn
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. - Douglas Adams
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. - Patrick Murray
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. - Mickey Rooney
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. - Marty Feldman
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"
- George Deacon.
I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. - Howard Scott
I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb. - Freddie Starr
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. - Emo Philips
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
- Woody Allen
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60." - Gore Vidal
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An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint. - Ben Shahn
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. - Woody Allen