Humorous Quotations
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. - Oscar Wilde
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. - Clint Eastwood
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there  to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns. - Herman Wouk
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. - Mark Twain
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.- The Duchess of Windsor
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again. - Erma Bombeck
Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. - Al Capp
The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. - Henry L. Mencken
Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
Black holes are  where God divided by zero. - Steven Wright
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again. - Mark Twin
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. - Napoleon Bonaparte
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone
An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to. - Ambrose Pierce
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. - Bob Monkhouse
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? - Jean Cocturan
A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat. - Mark Twain
Golf is a game in which you yell "Fore," shoot six, and write down five. - Paul Harvey
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. - Woody Allen
Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards. - Fred Hoyle
They told me that Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right. - Winston Churchill
To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible. - E. Wilson
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. - Dorothy Parker
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. - Salvador Dali
Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts. - Jeffrey Robinson
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the  one I've never tried before. - Mae West
He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke. -Terry Cohen
If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. - Wilson Mizner