Steven Wright ( 1955 ~ )
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'